Thank You Ija
Nine Lessons from 90 days with my mother
It was Friday. Seeing her lying there, bruised on the face and head and mildly disoriented, was heartbreaking. A model of resilience and strength throughout her life but now battling late stage lung and heart disease, Ija (mother in the Kumauni Indian dialect) had became too weak to support herself and had fallen and hurt herself. At 88, with several medical illnesses and frailty, all of us in our family of doctors had pragmatically decided that the goal would be to keep her comfortable at home with support from hospice care. The odds of her making it through the next several days were thought to be slim to none. However, God had other plans. The period that followed has been one of the most insightful and rewarding periods of my lifetime. My hope in capturing and documenting many of those priceless moments with Ija is that they will form a learning framework for our children, our families and perhaps for anyone who is ready to receive such learning at any time in their life.
1. Looking at life through the lens of death. Impending mortality of someone you love intensely forces you to think of life itself and what is most important. The small things disappear into the background bringing the really important things into sharp focus. That night when Ija summoned the entire family to be together around her as she summarized her life and gave away her belongings to each of us, each of us were reminded of what kind of strength the family unit can bring. The joy of seeing each of our families huddled together around her reminded us of the strength of togetherness. We have very little control of destiny, but emotional togetherness helps to deal with the set of cards dealt to us.
2. Selflessness and Sacrifice. We had already known for most of our lives that Ija was the epitome of sacrifice and service to others, whether for my Dad’s extended family after her marriage or to anyone who needed help. Growing up, our house was always full of extended family and also relatives who would often stay for extended lengths of time convalescing from illnesses or surgery; my dad was a surgeon and many looked to him and Ija for their care). As she was giving away her belongings to each of us (her sons), her daughters-in-law and her grandchildren, it was evident that almost each waking hour of her day was spent thinking of others rather than herself. As an example, over the years, she had chanted a specific prayer a million times (literally, no exaggeration) for the health of one of her grandchildren.
3. Savoring the joy that what we have immediately around us. We often fantasize of pleasures or desires in the future or the past — what “we had” or what “we could have” — but fail to see the joy “right now, in the moment”. This was one of the most powerful learning for me. After Ija improved a bit, she spent the next 90 days with my wife and I in our home. This was planned so my elder brother and his family-with whom she has lived for over 30 years-would be able to attend to the birth of their own grandchild. I took this opportunity to enjoy every moment that I could get with her. A makeshift bed was set up in her bedroom (thanks to Amazon and the joy of a memory foam mattress), so I could sleep next to her and accompany her to the bathroom at night. A caregiver in the day time would allow us to continue working, but with most things turning to a virtual environment during the pandemic, there would be enough time at home to be close to her. Among the many lessons I learned during this time, the most important was to focus and enjoy what you have right next to you. How many times would I ever get the opportunity to be next to the person who I revere and love the most? (life-lessons). How may times would I ever get the opportunity to give back a very small fraction of what Ija has done for me all my life? (gratitude). How many times when I was a kid with even small illnesses such as a fever or a cold, would she have spent waking up taking care of me? Providing my support to her frailty was like having innumerable “feel good” moments of high self worth, self-esteem and profound joy. During this time, many other lessons emerged:
4. An intense focus on life’s very purpose. I am normally quite a selfish person, looking out for myself and enjoying my personal hobbies and joys before I look out for others. During this time, my hobbies and my interests all coalesced to who I had next to me — Ija. I moved my sound mixer and audio paraphernalia upstairs close to her, so she could enjoy my singing. I recorded several bhajans (devotional songs) for her in my voice, which she often enjoyed listening to numerous times. Instead of outdoor landscapes, Ija became my photography “model” — a subject that I was able to photograph more than I have ever done before. In the process, I was able to document life itself in all its glory. I never knew how all of life’s different shades could be seen through one individual. Also, how strength can be seen through frailty, love can be seen through despair, joy can be seen through disappointment and above all how the mind can be pivoted to think positively despite almost anything (See “Images of Life” below)
Images of Life
5. Reminder of how much the mind and body are connected. One of my numerous weaknesses is that I find it very hard to function without good sleep. With aging, I also find it hard to go back to sleep once awakened. All of these weaknesses were cause for concern when I made a commitment to sleep next to Ija during her time with us. Would I get enough sleep? How would I function at work the next day? It became quickly apparent that with clarity of commitment and an intense desire to help, and the joy that came with it, sleep almost became secondary. Because of the peace of mind (after several initial nights of worry and concern) and joy that such care provided, good sleep became a reality despite everything. On the occasions that this did not happen, I was surprised that the body still “sailed” through the day with ease — a reminder that when the mind is at ease the body has a remarkable ability to cooperate.
6. The “return on investment” (emotional). Every day of her life, Ija has been engaged in providing help and support for others. During the prime of their lives, my parents provided direct help and support to people in need, whether it be relatives or friends. After my father’s death, Ija continued to be very closely engaged in helping despite being in America, thousands of miles away from her native land-India. Thanks to the increasing availability of communication tools such as Whatsapp and video calling, she became adept at regularly calling innumerable relatives and friends to be involved in their welfare and also providing monetary or other support when needed. The return on this lifetime of investment was now paying off. The countless calls and support from relatives was beginning to flow in. She never looked at this as an intrusion, but rather as a source of joy and strength.
Not just with relatives in India, but also with numerous local friends, Ija had developed her own network of well wishers who she had previously acted as a senior counselor in times of need. They were now available for her, coming in to offer her company, cooking and bringing her favorite food, and most importantly being by her side. We were observing life happen right in front of us — in all its glory
7. Bringing to focus our own life-partners. When there is an intense focus on a parent or a child, a relationship that potentially comes under pressure is the one with a spouse or other life partner. The very nature of the circumstance divides time and attention. I was aware of this, but not overly concerned. Something that we already knew, became abundantly clear over this difficult time — Ija had created her own independent relationships with our spouses over the years. This investment was independent of her own sons, but rather as a mark of respect for our spouses as people — themselves independent, caring, and compassionate individuals with stature and character. Each of our spouses (we are three brothers) not only stood by us but also made it seem like we were six children caring for Ija rather than three. Two notes from Ija for my wife (pictured below and treasured by me more than anything else) reflect Ija’s sentiments for all three of her daughters-in-law (really seen by her as her daughters). The first one was written on my wife’s birthday and the second one was left for her when she left our home a little over a month ago. Although aging and her illness had caused her hand-writing to be a bit clumsy, the emotion came through with fierce clarity and with a sense of gratitude that is a hallmark of her character and being: “ I want to thank you for such lovely care, warmth and love..and respect. Renu, out of your work and social life and other responsibilities you cooked every day special for me…I am not honored but rather blessed with such caring kids. May God give you all back in your future lives”. The earlier birthday note reflects the same blessing: “May God give you all back in your life which you are doing for me”
Thinking of our partners is also a reminder to me that my brothers and their spouses have provided more care for our mother than I will ever be able to do on my own.
8. The power of destiny. Over 4 months after her life-threatening event, Ija is still with us. She is even frailer and struggles with getting through the day. It is painful to watch her suffering. But it is a miracle that she is alive. She had indicated one wish after the event. Two of her grandchildren were expecting their own new arrivals (Ija’s great grandchildren) in the next few months. She expressed a desire to be alive for these two events. She later revealed that this wish was to ensure that the happy moments in their lives would not be adversely colored by the loss. God granted this selfless wish. Anjali and Ezra arrived safely and when she returned to Baltimore to see Anjali for the first time, the pain and suffering on her face was replaced by an emotion that is hard to describe in words except that is was an expression of life itself. The picture itself says what words cannot string together (pic included below).
9. The generation that follows: Ija’s guiding philosophy of life reflects that of both of our parents. At a time when the world is in chaos and belief in human values is being questioned, it is a stark reminder of the strength and resilience of the human spirit. It is also a reminder of the power of the timeless values of love, selflessness, gratitude, service to others, and the sheer beauty of life in us and around us. If we can imbibe and follow 10–20% of such values and our children can follow the same fraction of our values, they will be better human beings and the world will be a better place.
Today, on this ninth day of Navratri (the Indian Hindu festival honoring goddess Durga), how fitting it is to honor a mother who symbolizes the nine avatars of the Goddess Durga and much more. Ironically, for years while calling her “Ija” I had forgotten the meaning of my mothers real name “Indira” Writing this piece, I remembered-it means beauty in Sanskrit.
Thank you to the most beautiful woman I know- Ija.
