Falling in Love is so old school and boring — How to Rise in Love-Part 2. More Oxytocin Moments
“Oxytocin Moment”: A moment that causes a feeling of deep care for a partner, coming from the heart and associated with a calming feeling of fulfillment and inner joy. Such feelings are known to be associated with the release of oxytocin- the “cuddle hormone”, secreted by the pituitary gland
Over 3 years ago, while on a vacation in Switzerland, I realized how many such moments I am blessed to experience with my partner. I wrote a blog post at the time entitled “Falling in Love is so old school and boring — how to Rise in Love”
Fast-forward to today, exactly thirty-five years after my marriage to my medical school sweetheart, I reflect on continuing being blessed with countless such moments.
The daily brown lunch bags with a caring note continue without fail, arguments ending before midnight are generally still very much the norm and parental respect (now only mothers) still remains the guiding principle of our lives, as does healthy resolution of conflicts.
We have risen in love further in numerous ways:
One, the deeply therapeutic regular walks together to a local park have formed the basis of philosophic conversations about “where we are and where we are going”. They serve as a deeply reflective time and I miss them when weather does not permit us to do so.
Two, our guiding principle of “investing” in our parents has been further strengthened as we have enjoyed the wisdom and company of both our mothers. I have recently chronicled the once-in-a-lifetime experience with my own frail and ailing mother (See “Thank you Ija”: https://nirmal-joshi.medium.com/thank-you-ija-e908df8d61a5). My partner played a critical role in this experience, allowing me to spend the time and provide undivided attention to the care of my ailing mother. Further, the care and support that she provided herself in this care, from cooking to braiding her hair to massaging her frail body, formed the source of innumerable oxytocin moments as I watched her.
My wife’s mother, our other “treasure” continues to be a model of resilience and strength for us. Her presence in our home and our life inspires us every day. Despite her crippling arthritis and numerous personal emotional setbacks she is the source of daily blessings and support for us. I wake up every day with a cup of hot masala tea already prepared by her for me. As I comfortably sip on it, I reflect on this act of kindness and warmth every day. Later on, the sight of her, deeply engaged in prayer in the Pooja (prayer) room provides me gentle comfort and energy to start my day, as does the blessing that she provides verbally to me every day with her hand on my head –simple yet profound : Khush Raho! (stay happy).
Three, both continuing to invest in our adult children and also reflecting on what they have grown up to become. Like with many families, the pandemic caused my daughter and her boyfriend to stay with us for many months as they worked from home. This allowed us time with them that we will likely never get again. Well after dinner, we would stay at the dinner table sometimes spending hours discussing topics ranging form current events to deeply meaningful life topics. Each one of these sessions and many others spent under the stars in the hot tub in our back yard provided for many oxytocin moments. Such moments come not just from the time spent but also reflecting on the positive choices our daughter has made in choosing her friends, and the caring human being that she is. A deep sense of fulfillment is a common emotion for both of us.
Our son, a physician, who has now moved to Boston to complete his residency training there, causes us to reflect on the virtues of hard work, dedication and sheer focus to acheive your aspirations. However, more important that his achievements has been his care for his parents. The subtle, seemingly small behaviors that he displays are the source of joy for us. In Boston the other day, as he planned the day for us during our visit and also had us sleep in his bed, the only bed in his small apartment, as he slept on the floor, reminded us of all the things we did for our own parents. Driving back from Boston, both of us reflected on how fortunate and blessed we have been in having the children that we have. While we cannot take credit for all that they have become, it is nevertheless the source of joy, pride and many oxytocin moments.
On the thirty-fifth anniversary of our wedding, we are reminded once again, that we do not need exotic vacations or external sources of joy and happiness. The “bright spots” in our lives may seem mundane when they happen, but need perpetual reflection and awareness to truly relish them.
This year, it did not take a visit to Switzerland to reflect on the many blessings and oxytocin moments that are part of our daily life. In our own home during the holiday break I reflected that maybe it is no coincidence that our anniversary is so close to Thanksgiving. It is a timeless reminder of the many things that we are thankful for in our relationship. It is also a reminder that after rising in love for many years enjoying countless oxytocin moments, maybe falling in love is really not that “old school” after all. Many times the collective joy of the many oxytocin moments indeed causes a surge of internal happiness that is spiritually exhilirating.
